Vow

When I close my eyes I see you, drifting in a sea of sadness. Eyes wide open, electric blue. A grin unrestrained. Giggles trickling from you like a melody, echoing in my mind, filling the emptiness. It's a beautiful pain, an agonising warmth.

I reach for you, subconsciously, psionically, desperately. In another world, a parallel life, you do now what you did then: coil little fingers around me, gently, lovingly, unknowingly. Thoughts whisper in your head like half-remembered dreams, but you're still too young to know, yet old enough to feel the bond that never wavers.

My heartbeat accelerates like a horse's hoofbeats on the home stretch. Dancing under you, saying things a voice could never match. You sleep while I've never felt more alive.

A single tear wells up, here, now, as I write this. Just as when I imagine you, remember you. Just as it will when the sun gets beaten down and the night settles in and there is only me and the black and the window inbetween. I fear it because the day's commotion gives way to naked emotion. Silence replaces distraction and I must face that bloody mace that smashes through any hopes I have left. Each swing slower, harder. Every impact making the cracks grow, the welts swell, the blood flow, and more tears well. This is hell.

Morning breaks and I rise above it. To forget you is to cut my own heart open and drain the goodness out. But to want you is to seek suffering with open arms. So I walk the hazy line between courage and cowardice. I ignore the calls on both sides, and live to love you someday, somehow, maybe.

Until that day comes know this: I am no angel but I am your guardian, and even though time has poured between us and pushed us away to distant shores, I still hear your call, though you have forgotten mine. Your voice still rings out, through storms and walls of glass. And when the barriers most unkind shatter under pure perserverence, karma and conscience will hold sway and you will hear my heart again.